Let's Have a Meeting!

If you do a search for a phrase like “types of business meetings” on the internet, your search results will retrieve various sites exulting the virtues of meetings in the workplace. They say things like: Workplace meetings are an important part of management that enable you and the other employees to solve problems, improve performance, build teamwork and so forth. Meetings are supposed to make a department or a company a well oiled machine of output, that would both shame and awe God himself when He realizes that you and your co-workers could have built the universe in 5 days instead of 7 if He just would have created you people first and let you take a crack at it.

I apparently have never been that lucky and with the exceptions of meetings with truly new information that the employees needed to hear, most of the meetings that I've participated in have been useless endeavors that didn't work because they were phony and contrived. In the various jobs that I've worked at over the years, the only time I ever felt part of a team were in the places that didn't set a formal date and time to remind you that you were part of a group. You just knew it. 

But I've had to attend them anyway no matter what my personal feelings were to basically confirm that; “Yes, I still work here” and “Yes, I'm still doing the exact same thing I was doing last week, last month and all the years since I got hired and you should know that because your office is only a few paces away from mine and you're the one that gives me my damn assignments.”

I suggest you do not use these phrases exactly as they are worded here or at all. I have learned that this is not the professional way of speaking during a business meeting and for some reason it seems to cause resentment with management. In fact, to help you not make the same mistakes I did, I have come up with a short list of

Things you probably shouldn't say during an office meeting:

 - Can anybody recommend a good prostitute with little hands?

Although this question show a willingness to work with outsourced labor, this research should be done online.

- Some day I will shoot up this office and make you all pay!

This statement shows a highly motivated individual advertising their various abilities that management may be unaware of, but try using a statement a little less final.

- We are all living a lie.

This is a truth no one really wants to hear. I suggest keeping this one to yourself.

- Hey guys, does your butthole itch or am I the only one?

I'm afraid that this question should only be uttered in a meeting if you and your co-workers are marketing a new topical ointment.

- Here's what I think: You Suck!

Yes, I know this is a great way to show that you are, in fact, paying attention and contributing to the discussion, but it might be a tad too harsh.

- What? I wasn't paying attention, I never pay attention.

Even though it might be true, this sentence should be expressed in the following way: “Yes, I agree”.

- Damn, you're looking fine girl.

Women love compliments and building a better relationship with them in a workplace environment means handing out compliments like Halloween candy. I really don't see a problem with this one, especially when paired with a reassuring pat on the bottom.

- I think I see Satan.

Remember, there are many spiritual belief systems in society. Please be respectful of others and don't make them uncomfortable with yours.

- Whoa! I farted!

Language People! It's better to say something like: “Excuse me, fellow workers. I pooted, and since I ate a Gyro at lunch, the aforementioned poot will probably smell like a lamb died and rotted in my entrails.

- Whale Penis!

Saying “Whale Penis” is not amusing during a slide presentation no matter what funny voice you use to say it.